When considering the issue of dating and domestic violence, we are prone to think of someone being physically hurt, covered in bruises and marks, or having a black eye. This is often what popular culture and television displays as the signs of abuse. And though these can definitely be signs that someone is suffering through a violent relationship, we should be aware of the many other ways in which abuse can rear its ugly face. Some may be less obvious, and require us to truly investigate the habits, hobbies, and mental health of those experiencing this horrendous situation.

The following blog will outline some of the most common warning signs that teens may experience, as these differ from those in a domestic situation (i.e., living with an intimate partner). For teens, these signs can go largely unknown, as many youth feel the need to hide their intimate situation from family. Sometimes this is to dissuade any judgment from parents and siblings, other times it may be due to youth being inhibited from dating, and therefore, the relationship must remain hidden. In the case of youth that identify as LGBTQ+, keeping the relationship hidden may be a matter of protecting their identity from bigoted and judgmental people, or the lack of readiness for sharing their identity with the world. In any case, we must recognize the specific challenges teens may face when involved in unhealthy or abusive relationships!

Isolation

One of the most common red flags of an abusive relationship is isolation, or being cut off from family, friends, and activities. This isolation may form slowly as the relationship develops, and can sometimes be difficult to spot. In the beginning of a romantic relationship, people are eager to spend all their time together, getting to know each other, and developing romantic feelings.

It’s okay to dedicate time to a partner and fall in love, but one must be wary about spending every waking minute with only one other person.

Humans are social beings, and require time spent with family, friends and peers, as well as time spent alone. In an abusive or unhealthy relationship, where one person demands all the attention of their dating partner; this can easily become a codependent or controlling situation, and lead to the loss of these other relationships. As the relationship extends, others may notice that their friend is always making excuses about why they can no longer hang out, canceling plans, deleting their posts from social media, or deleting their social media altogether. When they see this friend, they’re likely always with the dating partner, and may seem anxious or paranoid to be seen talking. They may say things like, “Sorry I haven’t hung out lately, my bf / gf just wants me to spend more time with them,” or “I’ve been really busy lately, but I promise we’ll catch up soon.” Sadly, that soon may never come, as the abusive dating partner further isolates and pulls them away from anyone that could offer support.

The truly problematic part of isolation, is that it makes it harder for the abuse victim to reach out to friends and family, as they worry about burdening their loved ones with such heavy news. And for those outside the relationship, no longer seeing their friend makes it harder to spot the warning signs that their relationship has turned abusive. This double-edged sword makes it harder to get out of the abusive relationship, since friends and family may be less likely to step in if they don’t know the relationship is abusive. In the end, isolation becomes mental abuse, as the victim is scared to upset their partner or feels forced to delete, block, and ignore those that could truly support them during the abusive relationship.

Cyber Isolation

As mentioned before, isolation is not only physical, but can occur technologically as well. An abusive person may get upset seeing that their dating partner texts or DMs friends, and in turn may demand that their partner delete those contacts or block those friends via social media. They may control what photos their dating partner is allowed to post (typically, only those that paint their relationship in a positive light), and get upset when unknown followers comment or like photos. This again may lead them to controlling whether or not their dating partner is “allowed” to continue following those people online. Digital or cyber abuse may be difficult to see, as one would need to be astute as to whom their friends follow, or their posting patterns.

Isolation through technology can also show up as the need to constantly be in contact with ones dating partner. If allowed to spend time with friends, the abusive person may demand their partner text frequently, or gets upset if they don’t text back quickly enough. Texts may sound like, “Where are you? Who are you with? Why aren’t you texting me back?” There may even be texted threats that cause their partner to feel scared, anxious, or paranoid about spending time apart. In some cases, an abuser may enable tracking apps like Find My iPhone, or the SnapChat map to track their dating partner’s whereabouts and movement. This essentially keeps that person isolated from having a life away from their abuser, and may even lead to being stalked.

As a friend or family member, if you suspect someone is being isolated, there are some ways to recognize that it’s happening. As mentioned before, should that person begin canceling plans, making excuses, or constantly spending all their time with a dating partner, that could be an indicator of isolation. If they’re always on the phone, or nervous to miss a call or text, it may be time to check in about their safety and inquire as to their ability to spend time away from their dating partner. If you suspect a person has become technologically isolated, it may be necessary to check in with them in person (if it’s safe to do so), or check in with other friends and family of the isolated person. If it’s unsafe to be seen talking to that person, there are other ways to ensure they receive your message. It may be necessary to talk to teachers or counselors about your concerns. Either way, it’s crucial to show these friends that we care, and we’re here to support their safety.